If Sandy Read Twilight
by Third Kind
Summary: NOT A CROSSOVER! Yes, this is an Anti-Twilight fic. If you're a Twilight fan, I'd advise you not to read this. Implied Spandy. Rated for content and language.


**Lawlz! One for Twilight haters only! I have always told myself never to write hatefics, but Twilight was the straw that broke the camel's back.**

**NOTE: I DON'T OWN SPONGEBOB GOD-DAMMIT!  
AND IF ANY RABID TWILIGHT FANS BITCH ON ABOUT THIS, YOUR REVIEW WILL BE BLOCKED!**

**If Sandy read Twilight...**

It was just another day in Bikini Bottom. The flowers in the sky that were supposed to be makeshift clouds drifted silently without a care in the world and jellyfish swam through the calm waters without hesitation. The Bikini Bottomites went about their daily business, worrying over the little things like work and college.

Sandy Cheeks was also going about her usual routine, while pondering ordinary things; what invention should she make next, were her karate skills up to scratch, did Spongebob really love her...

Erm... let's miss the last one...

Anyway, a little thought popped into her head. She hadn't read a good book for a while. She decided to idle away time by reading.

She headed for the nearest bookshop.

Sandy didn't know what she was looking for. "Should I pick out a science fiction this time? No... I have too many of them..." her head printed an image of her collection of science fiction books, from War of the Worlds to Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. "What about a drama... no, they bore me..."

A giant figure appeared in front of Sandy by surprise. It was Pearl, Mr. Krab's daughter and a small acquaintance of Spongebob.

"Oh, hi Pearl! You startled me!" Sandy began.

"Oh, sorry Sandy!" Pearl apologized. "I was just excited because I've got the book everyone's talking about!"

"Really? What book is it?" the squirrel questioned.

"It's called Twilight," replied the whale. "It's about this girl who moves to a new town and falls in love with a vampire! I can't wait till I get home to read it!"

"OK! Maybe I'll check it out!"

"You better hurry then! It's selling out _**fast!**_**"**

"I'll be quick! See you later Pearl! It was nice chatting to you!"

"See you Sandy!"

Sandy noticed that Pearl was very excited, almost floating. "Excitement over a new fad I wonder?" she thought. She had heard about Twilight from the surface world, but she never got the chance to read it.

Sandy went over to the best-sellers' shelf and picked up one of the few remaining copies of Twilight. She looked at the back of the book. She knew one of the most important things before reading a novel was to look at the back. It seemed all right. "A story about star-crossed lovers?" she though. "Done to death but it couldn't be _**THAT **_bad, right?"

**One week later...**

Spongebob was walking to Sandy's Treedome. He hadn't seen her for about a week and he was worried. He usually saw his squirrel friend about 2-3 times a week, but he only saw her once, the day before she went shopping. After that, he hadn't heard anything of her.

"I hope nothing bad's happened," he said to himself. The pensive look on his face said it all; he was fretting if Sandy was in any kind of danger.

Finally, he reached the Treedome. He noticed that the dome was in a ruined state. Spongebob, now more anxious than ever, ran to the front door and quickly ran inside.

The inside was more in a state than what Sponge could see on the outside. The garden was wrecked and some gadgets and gizmo's were left sprawled on the floor. The sponge-boy hurriedly ran to the tree and climbed the staircase inside to Sandy's bedroom. He found huddled next to a corner, Sandy herself. She looked like she hadn't eaten or bathed in days. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was twitching violently, like she would go on a rampage at any moment and in front of her, was her Twilight novel, torn in places, but was still readable. Spongebob, plucking up courage, walked up to the monster that was his best friend, next to Patrick.

"S-S-Sandy?" he stuttered, afraid; "Are you OK? Did something happen?"

"No..." Sandy replied in a low tone. "Expect I read this _**PIECE OF CRAP!!!"**_ Sandy shouted out the last three words, pointing to the book that had heavily traumatised her. To be fair, Spongebob was really startled. He had never saw Sandy like this.

"What piece of crap? This?" He picked up Twilight, taking a look at the back. "Did this make you a raving loonie? It doesn't sound bad!"

"It is bad my dear sponge." Sandy panted with worry and trauma. "I don't know how girls love this. It's a total disgrace to the vampire genre."

"Really? Can I have a look?"

"If you dare..." Sandy trailed off.

**A few hours later...**

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP???"

In case you didn't know, that scream was from Spongebob. He had read a few chapters of Twilight and he was already brain-damaged.

"How DO girls read this junk? I mean, Bella is a full-blown Mary Sue!" He was referring the the main female protagonist and the literary criticism term used when a character has no noteworthy flaws.

"That girl is just too freakin' perfect!" the angry sponge ranted. "I could be in her shoes and still have the same dialogue! AND SINCE WHEN DO VAMPIRES SPARKLE???"

"Yeah!" Sandy agreed. "Aren't they supposed to burn up like bacon on a barbecue? What the hell's up with that?"

"We _should_ burn this book on a barbecue!" agreed Spongebob. "In fact, let's find every copy in existence and burn it!"

"I like that idea! Let's just burn this copy first!"

**One hour later...**

"Yes! The servant of evil has been destroyed!"

The friends cheered as the hated book burnt on the barbecue. After Sandy had suggested the idea and Spongebob had agreed with her, they had set everything up for the book's demise.

And thus, it began their descent into Anti-Twilight hating madness...

**The end! LOL!**

**Flames, flames, flames! My inbox will be filled to the brim with**

**them! Before you rant, why did you read this story in the first place? You're dumb if you did -_-**


End file.
